Not to say this in a bragging way at all, but I’ve always felt like I had a purpose for my life. Even when I didn’t know who God was or what He was, I always knew that I was destined for greatness; and looking back, I can see how God has always had a profound effect upon my life.
As I grew up and entered my teenage years, however, I struggled with my faith. Not that I didn’t believe in God, because I did. In fact, to this day, I still believe that it is impossible to look at all that is around us (the trees, the birds, every living and non-living thing on this earth) and not see that there is, at the very least, some sort of intelligent designer behind it all. However, it was because of this fact, because this all-knowing, omnipresent, all-powerful being had created the entire world, that I struggled to believe that God actually cared about what was going on in my life. “Why would He care about me,” I would ask myself. Why would the creator of everything – the earth, the moon, the stars, the human species as a whole – care whether I lived or died, ate or starved, succeeded or failed? Why would he care one way or the other? There were more important things to worry about than whether a little black boy from Baltimore became something or not.
And it was with this mindset, that I headed off to college, where my life would change forever. For it was here that I had my first, real personal encounter with God. It began through daily prayer, and ended when I began to talk differently, think differently, and view the world from an entirely different perspective. For the first time, I truly understood the song “Amazing Grace” where it says “I once was blind but now I see.”
Over the next four years, God gave me all types of visions, granting me the ability to see into my future and the impact that I would have on this world. I finally understood why I was different than those around me. I finally understood why my life was the way it was. God had a plan for my life, and I could finally see it clearly. In God, I found peace, shelter – in short, I found a home; and my life finally made sense.
It was this newfound feeling that I had that drove me to finish college and go on to start and run my own company, developing the careers of aspiring performers in the entertainment industry and working to make their dreams come true. But somehow, along the way, that newfound feeling got lost. Things didn’t go the way I planned. The business didn’t take off like I thought it should. A young lady entered my life and made me change my plans. Thoughts of an entirely different life than the one I envisioned began to creep in my head, and the fear of not accomplishing my goals began to take hold.
But, ever determined and committed, I continued to push forward, even to the point of uprooting my entire life to move to New York, not to pursue my own selfish goals, but all to fulfill the purpose that I believed was given to me. But somehow, I find myself right back where I started, wondering how a God with so much power and wisdom would care about me and whether I succeed or fail. Maybe I had moved to New York with the misconception that God was behind me, when, the whole time, it was my own excitement that pushed me forward. Maybe God really just didn’t have time to worry about a guy like me. I found myself lacking purpose, motivation, and a sense of personal connection with God. Again, not that I didn’t believe in Him, but I just didn’t think that I was worthy of His time, attention, and care. Like Celie in The Color Purple, I felt like God didn’t care about me.
So, what do you do in that situation? What do you do when you feel like God isn’t speaking anymore? When I first came to know God, He spoke to me everyday, leading and guiding me step-by-step to the man I was supposed to become. He gave me visions and allowed me to dream dreams beyond my imagination. But what if all that stops and all you’ve got left are memories of what once was?
If you find yourself in that situation, first of all, know that you are not alone. Plenty of people throughout the Bible have come to points in their lives when they felt like God had abandoned them. Job, for instance suffered through years of pain and misery. Jonah stayed three days and three nights in the belly of a whale, with no escape in sight. Even Jesus, upon the cross, exclaimed “my God, my God, why have you forsaken me? (Mark 15:34)”
But in all these instances, know that God always had a purpose in the pain. Job not only glorified God by maintaining his faith through all that he went through, but he got back double what was taken from him (Job 42:10). Jonah, after openly disobeying God’s instruction, was given a second chance to travel to Nineveh and save an entire city from destruction. And lastly, Jesus, after being hung on the cross, got up on the third day with all power in His hands.
So, when you feel like God has abandoned you and just doesn’t care anymore, first know that there’s a purpose for your pain. Second, stay faithful to God for He will bring you through. And third, as Joyce Meyer says, just continue to do whatever He told you to do last, for the Bible says that the race is not given to the swift but to he that endures to the end,” which tells us that while we are running a long, difficult race, while there will be trials and there will be hardships, in the end, there is a reward. So keep your eyes on the prize (Philippians 3:12-16) and your heart to God and He will see you through.
God bless,
J.W.
Below is a short poem I received today. Very poignant.
